On Dickheads

My ex-husband is a dickhead. I actually don’t say that harbouring any ill will, anger or frustration. Not today anyway. If I get a call again from Child Support asking me to pay him money for a child who lives full-time with me again, I will have a moment of angst, but really, it is what it is. He is what he is. There is a degree to which he is what he has chosen to be, and a degree to which is walks with a great handicap after years of abuse as a child. He frustrates the hell out of me, but I don’t hate him and I’m not angry with him. But he IS….most definitely a dickhead. That’s not hard to come to terms with. It’s not hard to accept. It’s not difficult knowledge to have and still keep my heart soft and without malice. It’s just a fact of life.

On the other hand, I work with another dickhead. I have tried, and continue to try and look for the good in him. I try to keep a positive attitude. I try to understand him. I try to offer grace. I’m not saying I don’t succeed. I’m not saying I don’t bitch about him behind his back. I do!!!! In safe places though. I have a best friend that I let of steam with. She gets me and understands that even though I might be harsh in the things I say in the moment, it won’t stay that way. Nothing really seems to work though.

I have asked people who know this guy better than me, if there is a heart there….if there is more than what we see. No one can offer me anything positive. I don’t know why, but it is very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this guy just might be a total dick!!!! I can deal with the fact that my ex-husband is not a dickhead but coming to terms with the fact that that just might be exactly what my colleague is, leaves me feeling incredibly disheartened.

Perhaps it is that he is in leadership over me. Perhaps it is that he claims to be a Christian and yet I can find no heart. Perhaps it is that he knows how to kiss the right amount of arse so that those who need to know what a dick he is, probably never will! I guess perhaps it is easy to take my ex as he is, because he doesn’t claim to be anything else. He doesn’t claim to be moral, good, kind, generous, true, honest. My colleague parades as a saint, yet the majority of staff know that if you need to be careful and watch your back around anyone, it’s him.

I struggle with my own heart. I don’t want to live with a grudge, unforgiveness and I don’t want to be a person who lacks grace. I don’t like the hardness that settles in, so I guess it would make it easier to have some grace towards this person if I could somehow see that he is not a total dick. But I think he actually is. A pretentious one…….unlike my ex. This discourages me greatly. But then grace is something that is undeserved. It’s the kind of grace that David offered King Saul in the Bible, when Saul was being a total dick.

Advertisements