I’m doing it

Well, I said, “Watch this space” and then the space went blank!!!!  Or did it?  It certainly did in terms of the written word, but the story has continued.  I have constantly encouraged my children to chase their dreams and that they should not ever give up on them.  And I have finally decided that I need to not only talk about it but set an example of it.

I have resigned from my teaching position of 14 years and am branching out into the unknown.  I’m practising like mad, have bought myself a new guitar amp, a stomp box and a gorgeous tenor ukulele and next week I hit the recording studio to record my very own demo disc!  I’m off to Alice Springs to stay with my uncle for some R&R time and six months of solid working on the things I have wanted to do for ages, one of them being making sure I get at least one weekly gig and seeing if I can get a bit of a following.  So I’m launching out into my brilliant music career! After the six months I head interstate yet again to find my final landing place.  The plan will be to find a job that supports my passion and not try to fit in my passion with my job. At age 46, I’m stepping out into unknown territories and changing everything!

Who knows where the journey will take me.  It seemed everything around me was leading me to this decision and then once I made the decision, all of those strong, “Go this way” signs disappeared.  I kept thinking, “Hey!  It would be nice if they were still here to remind me to keep on going!”  So even though the doubts scream at me “You can’t do this” I have made my decision and keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless.  And each time I pick up the guitar or sing the blues, I start to feel more alive and am gradually starting to believe, “Yes, I can do this. This is what I was born for.”

So here I go!

Jump

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On Dickheads

My ex-husband is a dickhead. I actually don’t say that harbouring any ill will, anger or frustration. Not today anyway. If I get a call again from Child Support asking me to pay him money for a child who lives full-time with me again, I will have a moment of angst, but really, it is what it is. He is what he is. There is a degree to which he is what he has chosen to be, and a degree to which is walks with a great handicap after years of abuse as a child. He frustrates the hell out of me, but I don’t hate him and I’m not angry with him. But he IS….most definitely a dickhead. That’s not hard to come to terms with. It’s not hard to accept. It’s not difficult knowledge to have and still keep my heart soft and without malice. It’s just a fact of life.

On the other hand, I work with another dickhead. I have tried, and continue to try and look for the good in him. I try to keep a positive attitude. I try to understand him. I try to offer grace. I’m not saying I don’t succeed. I’m not saying I don’t bitch about him behind his back. I do!!!! In safe places though. I have a best friend that I let of steam with. She gets me and understands that even though I might be harsh in the things I say in the moment, it won’t stay that way. Nothing really seems to work though.

I have asked people who know this guy better than me, if there is a heart there….if there is more than what we see. No one can offer me anything positive. I don’t know why, but it is very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this guy just might be a total dick!!!! I can deal with the fact that my ex-husband is not a dickhead but coming to terms with the fact that that just might be exactly what my colleague is, leaves me feeling incredibly disheartened.

Perhaps it is that he is in leadership over me. Perhaps it is that he claims to be a Christian and yet I can find no heart. Perhaps it is that he knows how to kiss the right amount of arse so that those who need to know what a dick he is, probably never will! I guess perhaps it is easy to take my ex as he is, because he doesn’t claim to be anything else. He doesn’t claim to be moral, good, kind, generous, true, honest. My colleague parades as a saint, yet the majority of staff know that if you need to be careful and watch your back around anyone, it’s him.

I struggle with my own heart. I don’t want to live with a grudge, unforgiveness and I don’t want to be a person who lacks grace. I don’t like the hardness that settles in, so I guess it would make it easier to have some grace towards this person if I could somehow see that he is not a total dick. But I think he actually is. A pretentious one…….unlike my ex. This discourages me greatly. But then grace is something that is undeserved. It’s the kind of grace that David offered King Saul in the Bible, when Saul was being a total dick.

My Hero

You’ve heard the saying, ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’. Well the strongest, most resilient, most inspirational woman I know (I’ll call her Annie for the purpose of this post), is suicidal at the moment. It seems like an oxymoron I suppose. It’s not a case of ‘well she was strong, resilient and inspirational but has hit a tough slump and lost hope for now’. Nope! Annie is most definitely ALL of those things in the midst of it. The way that she feels right now, is quite separate to the person that she is.

This beautiful woman is struggling desperately. She is not safe to be alone and is afraid to be alone with her children. There is a side of her that is feeling weak, fragile, frail, broken, tired. There is a side of her that is feeling like she is dreadfully flawed for feeling the way she does. But all I can see is immense, awe-inspiring strength!

My Annie, despite the way she is feeling, does not become negative. She refuses to give in. She fights and fights and fights……for life….for quality of life for herself and for her family. She fights to hold onto the strong hope in her heart. (Yes, someone suffering depression can hold strong hope!) She fights to see better days. She does whatever it takes to remain safe so that she will not give into the urges that are screaming in her head! Even at her lowest point, I have to say that she is the strongest, most resilient and inspirational woman I know! She inspires me more right now, than she ever has. I wish she could see that. I am so incredibly proud of my girl. I want to be more like her. Don’t judge her by what you see on her face. It is only what she feels. It isn’t who she is.  Annie is my hero!