The Unspeakable

Last night I went to bed. Gosh I’ve been lonely lately. It was really suffocating me as I lay in bed. I started to imagine what it would be like to take a large knife and drive it through my middle. There was a certain comfort in the thought of bleeding out right from my centre. I started to wonder if I had the courage. I decided to find out if I had the courage. I threw back the covers, climbed out of bed and walked toward the kitchen, intent on finding out if I had the courage to take a sharp knife and drive it through my middle.

I had only reached the lounge room when headlights flashed through the lounge room window. My son had arrived home at the precise moment I had decided to take up my own dare. I scampered back to bed. He was none the wiser and lay there thinking, “There must be a God. And he must care about me.”

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My Hero

You’ve heard the saying, ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’. Well the strongest, most resilient, most inspirational woman I know (I’ll call her Annie for the purpose of this post), is suicidal at the moment. It seems like an oxymoron I suppose. It’s not a case of ‘well she was strong, resilient and inspirational but has hit a tough slump and lost hope for now’. Nope! Annie is most definitely ALL of those things in the midst of it. The way that she feels right now, is quite separate to the person that she is.

This beautiful woman is struggling desperately. She is not safe to be alone and is afraid to be alone with her children. There is a side of her that is feeling weak, fragile, frail, broken, tired. There is a side of her that is feeling like she is dreadfully flawed for feeling the way she does. But all I can see is immense, awe-inspiring strength!

My Annie, despite the way she is feeling, does not become negative. She refuses to give in. She fights and fights and fights……for life….for quality of life for herself and for her family. She fights to hold onto the strong hope in her heart. (Yes, someone suffering depression can hold strong hope!) She fights to see better days. She does whatever it takes to remain safe so that she will not give into the urges that are screaming in her head! Even at her lowest point, I have to say that she is the strongest, most resilient and inspirational woman I know! She inspires me more right now, than she ever has. I wish she could see that. I am so incredibly proud of my girl. I want to be more like her. Don’t judge her by what you see on her face. It is only what she feels. It isn’t who she is.  Annie is my hero!