…..and I am blessed

I am so very tired.

I am so very ill.

I am so very tired of being so ill, so unable to function the way my life demands I must.

Deadlines still come in, yet my brain, my body,  my energy will not rise to the challenge.

Every day is just so hard.  So exhausting.

Yet……

In the midst of that deep grey there are some things that sparkle.

A friend who hates the phone as much as I do.  She calls in a time of need.  It’s a big thing for her to call.  We talk for an hour.  She feels better.  We feel closer.  I am blessed.

A funny, fuddy duddy step-father who sees my time of need and offers to help.  He cares.  And I am blessed.

A phone call from a real estate agent.  I have been accepted for the rental property next door to dear friends.  They will be watchful over me.  We embrace.  And I am blessed.

A beautiful text comes through from a beautiful friend who has been doing it tough.  She is going to be ok.  I smile.  I am blessed.

A student who has struggled all year has a penny drop moment.  He gets it.  He’s on a roll.  His face lights up!  His world just changed.  Maths is no longer a big black looming monster.  I do the happy dance and the class laugh.  Wow.  I am blessed.

A friend also battling pain and illness shares my moments through the day.  The highs and lows.  She gets it.  Someone gets it.  Someone gets that daily struggle.  I am not alone.  She is not alone.  And I am blessed.

A silent student finds her voice and discovers she has a knack for impromptu speaking!  A big smile spreads across her face and she blushes as people applaud and comment, “Wow!  You’re really good at this.”  Joy wells inside of me.  I have to tell someone!  I am blessed!

Golden shining moments in the middle of deep tired grey.  They shine all the more beautifully because of their contrasting dark background.  They sing a song in my heart.  And I am blessed.

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My Hero

You’ve heard the saying, ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’. Well the strongest, most resilient, most inspirational woman I know (I’ll call her Annie for the purpose of this post), is suicidal at the moment. It seems like an oxymoron I suppose. It’s not a case of ‘well she was strong, resilient and inspirational but has hit a tough slump and lost hope for now’. Nope! Annie is most definitely ALL of those things in the midst of it. The way that she feels right now, is quite separate to the person that she is.

This beautiful woman is struggling desperately. She is not safe to be alone and is afraid to be alone with her children. There is a side of her that is feeling weak, fragile, frail, broken, tired. There is a side of her that is feeling like she is dreadfully flawed for feeling the way she does. But all I can see is immense, awe-inspiring strength!

My Annie, despite the way she is feeling, does not become negative. She refuses to give in. She fights and fights and fights……for life….for quality of life for herself and for her family. She fights to hold onto the strong hope in her heart. (Yes, someone suffering depression can hold strong hope!) She fights to see better days. She does whatever it takes to remain safe so that she will not give into the urges that are screaming in her head! Even at her lowest point, I have to say that she is the strongest, most resilient and inspirational woman I know! She inspires me more right now, than she ever has. I wish she could see that. I am so incredibly proud of my girl. I want to be more like her. Don’t judge her by what you see on her face. It is only what she feels. It isn’t who she is.  Annie is my hero!